Wednesday, April 07, 2004

APRIL 7, 2004 (WEDNESDAY)

I'm waiting for Ate Grace to finish ironing the laundry before I go into our room and starting Cleaning Up, Part 2.

The flowers he gave me are starting to wilt because of the heat. The orange flowers - we're not quite sure if they're bird of paradise, but Tatay says that they're relatives of the lily - seems to be the first to go. They're the tallest of the bunch: bright sprays of orange that rise up from the mass of chrysanthemums and baby's breath.

It's been quiet around here for the past couple of days. It was never our family's tradition to go out of town during Holy Week, preferring instead to just laze around the house and go about with an air of boredom over our heads. I don't think I will even leave the house anytime soon - except on Saturday, when I have to pick up a few Davao friends from the airport.

A friend of mine recently wrote in his blog that he was afraid of making plans because they were never followed through. I know that kind of fear, because I've been experiencing it lately. But that's the whole idea of the future: it's never certain, but we'd like to still pretend that we can prepare for it. Friends are already talking about post-graduation plans, and I know that I must be starting to deal with the paperwork for my own graduation - even as early as now, so that everything will go smoothly come the final months. But I can only prepare so far.

Sometimes I wish that I had a crystal ball and was able to see at least a glimpse of the future. Will I end up living alone with just dogs and turtles for company? Will I be married? Will I love the man I marry? Will I have a job that I wanted in the first place? Or will I end up throwing caution to the wind and just letting everything happen, like I'm some passive observer on my own life?

Holy Week ends up being a time for thinking. As if I don't think too much already.

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