Monday, May 24, 2004

MAY 24, 2004 (MONDAY)

Getting Better

I think, in the long run, I will get over you. And while sometimes memory will assault me once again, these flashes with zip by with the speed of a camera shutter, and then I will forget once again. Dumaguete taught me to remember myself, and who I was before you came along. And if that, for nothing else, I am thankful for the experience.

Illusion is certainly a powerful weapon. And I think we were both fooling ourselves in pretending that this was a fairy tale. It wasn’t. And we weren’t characters in a romance novel; there are still more chapters to come along. People have been telling me that I'm still young, and perhaps that is true. And I went into this experience knowing full well that I will lose myself, and I still don’t regret immersing myself into the experience. And I don’t regret the fact that it was you – you were worth every tear, every little heartbreak.

And I think that perhaps friendship will work out. I don't want to lose a confidant, and I'm sure that you'll appreciate little tokens of misplaced wisdom once in a while. You're still one of the few people who can read me like a book, and you understand me, and I'd like to think I've gleaned a few insights into your life. You're a very interesting person, and I like interesting people. We'll see. I'd like to be optimistic.

But it will also take a while before everything settles down and we find a rhythm that is neither awkward nor unsatisfying for the both of us. I don't want to spend the rest of the year avoiding hallways and the tambayan, and I'm sure you don't want to do that, too. And I think we shall both be kinder to ourselves in the long run, and you will rid yourself of your demons and start anew.

I think that in the process of letting go, one learns to be calm about the whole experience. And this is perhaps the last time that I'll cry over you. And I will have to learn how to live on my own again, as my own person. Loneliness and solitude is not the same thing, and I've discovered just how many people care about me - it fills the emptiness. It's not the same, of course, but it helps in the healing.

I have nothing but good will and well wishes, and the hope that we are friends. The future looks better from this angle.

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