Monday, May 24, 2004

MAY 24, 2004 (MONDAY)

Mad Girl’s Love Song
Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I life my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said
But I grow old and I forget your name
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

In order to cope, I make lists:

Top Ten Things: What Not to Do When Going Through The Break-up

10. Do not go near sharp pointy objects.
9. Do not recite Sylvia Plath’s poems.
8. Do not look at gas ovens as if they were man’s best friend.
7. Likewise, do not look at high buildings as if they were man’s best friend.
6. Do not ask for answers when there are none.
5. Do not blame the universe. Shit happens.
4. Do not allow self-pity to infiltrate your system.
3. Do not listen to Sarah McLachlan, and other sad female artists.
2. Do not cry when crossing the street. That is dangerous.
1. Do not stalk. (Addendum: Do not beg.)

Top Ten Things: How To Cope with The Break-up (Particularly if you are the Break-uppee, instead of the Break-upper)

10. Cry. It releases the tension and makes you feel lighter. It is best to cry when a friend is around. Preferably a friend with lots of tissue paper in her bag.
9. Eat. Eat whatever you like: sweets, cakes, potato chips, steak, etc. Whatever makes you feel good.
8. Exercise. Walk around the neighborhood, or the park. It releases the extra energy that you would otherwise use in punching the wall, and gets rid of the extra calories you ate the day before. Plus, it makes you tired enough to sleep at night without all those nasty thoughts inside your head.
7. Rant. That’s what friends are for. Besides, they’ll always commiserate with you, and also slap you silly if you start wallowing in self-pity. Plus, they’ll always start sharpening their knives in anticipation of bloodshed, which frees you from all the guilt.
6. Get a makeover. As in the whole nine yards. Then you will start feeling pretty again. Because you are beautiful in the first place.
5. Get busy. Immerse yourself in school/work/hobbies/whatever. Get your mind and hands and body moving. That way, you don’t have any free time to allow your mind wandering into, say…that particular event.
4. Sleep. After all the emotional rollercoaster that is your life – like, say, he breaks up with you right after you get back from your vacation and you still haven’t properly adjusted – your body needs all the rest. Plus, it’s a great way to forget.
3. Listen to good music. Not your theme song, or the songs you associate with him, or Sarah McLachlan. Listen to the American Idol 3 songs that your siblings downloaded from the Internet and laugh when John Stevens sings “Crocodile Rock.”
2. Take down your pictures of him, and the letters, and the little mementos and put them in a box, and then bury it in your closet. Don’t burn them, if you can – they were good memories. Do not give back the gifts – not only is that an insult, but you can always recycle them or something like that. ^_^
1. Remember that you are worth so much more than him. That it is not the end of the world. And that it is his loss, not yours.

Top Ten Things: What You Still Have

10. Your ravishing good looks
9. Your books
8. Your schoolwork
7. Your budding career
6. Your promising future
5. Your freedom
4. Your craft
3. Your friends
2. Your family
1. Yourself

I mourned you earlier.

When you came, there was something different already. I could feel you holding back, and so was I. I'm glad you’re still wearing the necklace and watch; don’t throw them away – sayang naman. I am still keeping your gifts, particularly the stuffed animals. But I had to put away the bracelets for a while; it felt like they still bound me to you. It felt like we were almost-strangers again, in a good way. The possibilities in this world are endless.

But I finally had to cry. I haven’t cried since That Night; and I suppose today was an indication that it has really come to an end. And that we need time in order to cope. I am still hoping that we can be friends, like what you wanted – and I mean that in the sincerest sense of the word. The only bracelet I'm keeping is the red-and-white one: that’s what friendship bracelets are for.

I ended up in Katipunan, forcing myself not to cry until I safely crossed the street and got into CCHQ. I suppose I must have made quite a sight: carrying all the books you returned (and they were quite heavy) and finally unable to stop the tears from dripping down. Thank goodness Aster was there to hug me and comfort me and lend me her handkerchief; thank goodness Ate Tin and Ate Katya didn’t mind that I was bawling my heart out in the store; thank goodness Ate Tin hugged me and gave me an extra packet of pocket tissue. I was red-cheeked and puffy-eyed for almost an hour – to the point that I felt light-headed and wrung out.

Later on, Meia arrived and I had my first real meal in two days – spaghetti at Pizza Hut, and apple cobbler. I wasn’t able to finish them, but at least I know that there are hints of an appetite somewhere inside me. Between the three of us, we managed to avoid talking about you. And later on, when Meia and I were walking around UP late afternoon, I think I’ve finally managed to start the healing process. There are still so many places around the campus that reminds me of you, and of us, but in the end they are just places. That is how I am dealing with the memories – even my bed reminds me of you, which is why I have to exhaust myself every day in order to not allow rambling thoughts into my head.

Now I find myself strangely at ease, and perhaps stronger in the long run. I still have a long way to go, but I think I’ve started walking down that road towards OkayVille. Your flowers are still on the dinner table, and they’re beautiful, and I think that’s how I want to remember you: beautiful, but transient.

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