MAY 26, 2004 (WEDNESDAY)
She was glad that he called.
She knew his feeling of trepidation; she had it herself. She knew she had thrown a challenge in his direction, because she wanted to prove something to him, and to herself. And she was right. There was a possibility for hope. She answered on the first ring - never mind if it was considered impolite.
He sounded calm, tired out. She could sympathize. They were both going through so much already. In hindsight, she could not really follow the ins and outs of the conversation, only that she was left with a greater understanding of him, and the confidence she needed to breathe easier than before.
She was glad there were moments of awkward silences, of nervous laughter, of non sequiturs. She was glad they could still laugh together. As far as break-ups go, she knew she had gotten the better end of the deal. He still wanted her to be there.
In the back of her mind, she allowed the pain to fade, to be replaced with something akin to hope. She knew they had a long way to go, that he had more difficult times ahead of him, but also she knew that she could not hold his hand sometimes - the same way that she knew, inevitably, there will be some times when he will not be there to comfort her.
She realizes that he has taught her pain, but that he has also taught her hope, and love, and acceptance in the deepest sense of the word. And that she is thankful for these gifts of clarity, of insight into herself and into him. There is a kinship that will inevitably transcends this - and perhaps when things finally normalize (and she doesn't know when that is; only that it will come when it is the right time) then they will know for sure.
They had their faults, yes, but they also had their moments of shining brilliance, when everything was beautiful and painful at the same time. And she knew that she never lost him, and he never lost her in the first place.
For once, she finds herself dry-eyed. And she is grateful for him, and for his presence in her life - that bright shining star that is his soul.