MAY 31, 2004 (MONDAY)
Little Wisdoms Learned During a Coffee Break
Sometimes the universe allows you to lose a part of you, a great part, in order to make room for something that’s bigger. Because the universe knows that there will be something out there that’s better for you, something that you deserve. Because in this life, the good and the bad mixes in equal amounts, and you appreciate presence by experiencing loss. That’s the paradox that you revel in, the human experience that has been impressed into you by your mentor, by literature, by life. And in the end, you will be richer person for it.
Going Back to the Cards
Last night, I drew the Death card thrice. I was merely doing random readings, shuffling and re-shuffling my cards in an attempt to remember what everything meant. It’s an exercise I like doing; it brings me closer to the cards while at the same time flexing my memory muscles.
What I like about tarot is the fact that they draw from archetypes and symbols, much like stitching a patchwork quilt. Everything has a meaning: from the colors to the designs to the symbols. While I'm not familiar with the Cabbala or Egyptian mythology – my deck happens to be Crowley-Thoth – intuition serves to focus things where the little leaflet does not. Plus, I think the whole intuition and storytelling part of my brain got a lot of exercise in Dumaguete, where I became the resident card reader. Reading the tarot is a lot like poetry: every card is a poem where you have to unearth what every word means, because you know there’s a purpose in the placement. And then you have to weave every detail together into one grand tapestry, a narrative that has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
At any rate, Death means transformation, a life-altering change for the better, a release from bondage, the awareness of the cycle of death and rebirth. It rarely means a physical death; rather, it means that there is no looking back from where you’re coming from. No regrets, no apologies.
I find that rather apt.
This will perhaps go down in my history as the most exciting summer ever. Exciting in the sense that there was no moment of rest – everything just came, one after the other, without pause. Not that I mind; I love being the busy bee that I am, and I find fulfillment in the things I do, but sometimes I wish that I had a bit more time to process everything.
I mean, there were summer classes, and Dumaguete, and the (now infamous) break-up, and my goodness you’d think the world would be distributing these things among other people equally. But as Zena repeats time and again, my friends have a tendency to live vicariously through me. Not that I mind: I love my friends – they saw me at my weakest point and propped me up, gave me hankies and tissue paper and cheesecake and Shrek 2 and coffee and hugs and I think I'm a better person for it. Certainly, I realize the value of friendship, and I'm glad that I have a pretty good set that will probably last me this lifetime and the beyond.
Tomorrow, June starts, and that means my last school year. I'm glad for a bit of structure in my life, and a focus to channel my energies towards. Tomorrow, I also celebrate the anniversary of this blog – it’s hard to believe a year has already passed. I didn’t know I’d get this far in life, and in writing, and I think I made a number of acquaintances through this medium that I’d never thought would be possible. I'm glad people enjoy reading this little piece of virtual reality.
So here goes – my goals for the incoming school year:
1. Push myself to the limit: I want to write a thesis that represents who I am as a writer and as a person, exploring topics and subjects that I think are important, and ultimately come out with something that I will be proud of.
2. Make GRAIL an organization that is functional and generates an outcome that will serve not just our goals, but promote the medium and contribute something to the larger structure that we belong in – our college, and the university. It would be nice if students knew that GRAIL isn’t a religious org, or something connected to medieval culture. We are a comic book organization.
3. Get published regularly. Whether it’s magazine work or creative writing, as long as I get my voice out.
4. Maintain my grades: for once, I would like to graduate as an honor student. ^_^ Yes, even with my dismal grasp of French.
5. Expand my horizons: I want to learn something more than just the craft of writing. Maybe I’ll take up more units in History (yes, I am a geek. Got any problems with that?) or Film, or perhaps go back to the theatre. It would be nice to explore other modes of storytelling.
So tomorrow I plunge into this, and I'm excited. The possibilities are endless.
People I Miss
The fellows (and panelists) in Bohol, Week 2
The girls with Rofel Brion in Montemar, Week 3
Anecdote: A Conversation With Louie
L: Ayan, pag umalis ka na ng UP, sasali ako ng GRAIL...kahit hindi ko alam anong ginagawa ninyo.
Me: We're a comic book org.
L: YOU ARE? *chokes on his sandwich*
Me: You mean you've known that I was in GRAIL for a year and yet you didn't know what we do?
L: We-ell...I thought you were some sort of writing group...
Me: We. Are. A. Comics. Org.
L: So what does GRAIL stand for, anyway?
Me: Graphic Arts in Literature
L: *comprehension dawns* Ah...