Thursday, June 10, 2004

JUNE 10, 2004 (THURSDAY)

Musings In Between

I can't sleep.

Maybe it's the heat that's making my body rebel against my mind. After all, the rain that has been following me for the past few days has finally let up. Though I miss the cold, the sun has done wonders for my disposition. At least I was finally able to wear my red Dumaguete slippers to school once more.

I find myself wondering more and more what I'm supposed to do with my life. I already have a general idea of where I'm headed, and of what I can do - but what does the universe have in store for me? Like I told a friend of mine earlier, we don't really have much of a choice when the universe decides to make our lives a soap opera - especially a soap opera where the head writer seems to be either sadistic, or has a strange sense of humor.

I'd like to think that I'm doing something good with the situation being handed to me. I'd like to think that I am being mature and quiet and generally well-behaved compared to the last few weeks. I'd like to think that I'm slowly starting to climb up the happy ladder, and that even though it's an uphill battle, I am winning against depression, against this tension that is slowly weighing me down. I'd like to think that I'm back to compartmentalizing my life, that I'm back to being a blank slate, that I'm back to my role as a listener and a comforter and a safety net for those who want to do a freefall into space.

And yet it's at this point, during this time, that I wonder whether I am meant to do this my whole life. Am I still waiting? What am I waiting for? Why do I even wait?

I tell people that I already have a plan after graduation, that I have this five-year plan that I want to follow to reach my end goal: to be able to afford a room of my own. And a nice room at that. But is that all there is to it? And then what if I finally manage to afford that swanky modern apartment I've been hankering for every time I watch one of those decorating shows on the Lifestyle Network? Isn't there anything more to this? Isn't this being a bit selfish of me?

So many questions.

And then I start wondering if there is someone out there who will be my safety net when I finally fall. After all, I don't think I can do this forever - no matter how willing I am. I can already see signs of unraveling, within myself. I feel frayed, and worn, and just too damn tired. Will there be someone to take care of me when all is said and done? Or will I merely come home to an empty apartment at the end of the day? That is such a lonely existence. But honestly, it would be really nice if there was someone...

Ah well. One can always dream.

This is just an intermission to my regularly scheduled program, when I pause and wonder what I'm doing with my life, and if, at 20, I've done something to contribute to the betterment of life in the community I live in. I mean, will my writing feed people who are hungry? Do I even care? Should I care? And what difference will these actions make in the long run? I mean, I believe in the butterfly effect, and I keep on wondering if my actions will haunt me in the future - threefold at that. Universal karma dictates that everything that goes around comes around.

I'd like to be perfect, I really do. I'd like to write the great Filipino novel and have a proper family, make money and feed the poor people of Nigeria. I'd like to have my fairytale come true and my prince to stay. I'd like to make my friends happy and give out gifts as if everyday was Christmas. I'd like to live.

If only it wasn't so damn tiring getting there.

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