JUNE 11, 2004 (FRIDAY)
I dreamnt of you.
I dreamnt that you were all in black, and you face was shadowed. But I knew that it was you.
I dreamnt that you were going towards me, arms outstretched. We were standing at the path that went through the tambayan complex. It was already twilight. I was rooted to my spot, not knowing whether I should stay or go.
And then I dreamnt that I was swimming, with multicolored fishes around me, their delicate tails brushing my face. You were holding my hand underwater. Your grip still felt the same: strong and warm and gentle. It didn't seem like we were underwater. You were trying to tell me something, but only bubbles came out of your mouth. I can't translate bubbles.
When I woke up, I could still taste the saltwater on my lips. I'm not sure if they were tears.
Get out of my head. Please.
Watch me during daytime. That is the time when I pretend that everything's all right. The mask only comes off when I sleep. Don't worry - I've been wearing masks all my life. This is no different from the ones before. Except perhaps that this one is becoming stronger, thicker, more unbreakable than the ones before. I am afraid of the day when I cannot tell apart the mask from my real face, when they have melded into one.
I am holding out until he talks to me. I do not want to shut him off, even if he has shut me out. I do not want him to talk to my mask-face. But I am afraid that I cannot wait forever. And the mask-face is becoming more real every day, more real than him, and when I am taken completely, what is to happen next?