JUNE 28, 2004 (MONDAY)
Counting Blessings Instead of Sheep
I still have to finish my French homework.
I still have a 4-page comics script to write.
I still have two magazine articles to research and write about.
I still have classes.
I still have thesis, and a discussion group.
I still have my org.
I still have my friends, my family, people I love being with every single moment of the day.
I still have my life.
Old Stories, New Stories
Gandalf once told me this story about his college "friend" Lisa. Back when he was still a true-blue probinsyano, he met and fell in love with this girl who was his dormmate. They were good friends during his stay in the dorm (about three years) but they were seeing other people, of course. I don't remember all the details, but from the way Gandalf was talking about her, you knew that she was special.
Anyway, he never told her that he loved her. It was only when they had both graduated and were about to leave the dorm that he finally confessed. And she said that she also loved him, but that it was too late. They were both leaving.
And then years after, Gandalf meets Lisa again by accident. She was already married, and had kids, and it was just a brief meeting, but that he wondered what would've happened if things were different. I could tell that he really, seriously loved the woman.
All my Gandalf stories are coming back to me. Maybe it's because I haven't seen the guy in such a long time. I miss him, believe it or not. There's something about angsty old mentors that makes you go back to them. ^_^ I think I got most of my romantic soul from him. He was the first one to actually give me some insight into how guys think, and how they function, and that NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY BLUFF, THEY ALWAYS WANT TO BE BABIED.
I've been meeting new people left and right. I never imagined I was *this* interesting. This is just me. However, as long as I can make people laugh, and carry on a conversation, I'm cool. A free movie isn't that bad, too.
I've only recently had the courage to go back to the archives of my blog. It's pretty frightening, revisiting memories. I'm still taking it slowly.
Anyway, I've seen this post from February, and it was when Hiyas and I were playing with Yahoo! and looking up the descriptions of our beloveds. This is what it says for mine (he's a Virgo): "He will marry you in time, lots of time, be patient. Your Virgo male won't divorce you, once in love, it's for keeps!" Watch me raise my eyebrows in surprise.
And yet Dell tells me that, for all of what we say, he does still love me. But if he loves me, why did he have to leave me?
*looks at self* Yes, I am being pathetic. This is too horrid for words. I can't even stand myself. It's just that I go into a funk everytime I see him, and then I go into a funk everytime I don't see him and I seriously have to start thinking about other things other than him otherwise I am just waiting for my world to crash-bam-explode.
Loving someone is the most painful, most-fucked up thing one can ever do. It's worse than suicide, because you're still alive afterwards. It makes you do stupid things and stupider things and stupidest things and it consumes your entire life. You are the best person when you are loved, but when love leaves you, you are nothing but a shell, a ghost, a will o' the wisp wandering in the mists calling for your love. And yet we go through this over and over and over again. And what's more, we go looking for love, as if it is something hidden beneath your pillow, or inside a stocking, or a candy egg. Love is a horrible, beautiful thing and we go through it because once we do not, once we cannot love, then we cease to be human.
I want to believe that he still loves me. This is why I'm holding out. This is why, despite appearances, I am waiting.