JULY 10, 2004 (SATURDAY)
I have this overwhelming feeling in my gut that I need to leave. Soon. Before I sink into this trap of myself, before I lose all semblance of life and become a husk that you have inadvertently drained. My life is not, SHOULD NOT, be tied to you. I cannot be bound to someone who refuses my love.
I shall be surfing the Internet for universities soon, somewhere where I can take my MA in Creative Writing, or some other interesting course where I will not be able to make much money. I am hoping it will be out of this country; I want to leave before you can leave me again, whether for some other woman or another place where I can no longer imagine you to be. I do not think I will be able to survive that. I want a city where I will not be able to remember you, where there are no signposts of memory, where I will learn to forget you.
I am just waiting for this year to end.
I know it sounds mean and awful, but I do not think I want to wait in the shadows forever. I have absolutely no assurance that you will come back, that you will want to come back, or that my feelings for you will stay the same. Maybe you are just a residue of the man I thought you were. Like Sylvia Plath, I think I just made you up inside my head. And I cannot keep on existing like this.
If, after a year, I still feel like I'm limbo, I will definitely have to pack my bags and leave this place. There are too many memories of you.
The org is definitely growing stronger. I like this. We have PLANS now...
Had a meeting with the officers - which basically comprises the active members of GRAIL - earlier. Of course, Peloy couldn't make it, and none of us were surprised. Apparently, plans for this semester include finishing up the interview process and induction ceremony of the applicants (here's hoping we get my grandmother's house for the pool and the DVD player), a fund-raising activity, ACLE, and the exhibit.
Think they're all simple? Not when you have an active membership base of six people. All amazing, hardworking, brilliant people who wants to make something of ourselves. No more pretending to be a "barkada" org - this is why we get reaffirmed by the college every year, and this is why we want to achieve something. So that we can say that we are contributing something to the college, and to comics - even if it's just as piddling as introducing Alan Moore to a non-comics reading populace.
As for the fund-raising activity, OJ came up with the brilliant concept of having artists for hire. More details on that, and a definite advert coming up in the next few days.
I'm hoping that our applicants will be able to help out, since we are desperately short on manpower, and of course the amazingly loyal alumni base is always there to lend a hand. Still, I'm glad that we're moving forward. Because that's what an org is supposed to do - contribute something to the greater good of the community it belongs to, and not just sit around waiting for the sky to fall down.
Although that's what we love doing best: sitting around during lunchtime and talking about nothing in particular. ^_^ But we can't do that forever.
I am now collecting green M&Ms. According to the 1992 Information Please Kids' Almanac, you can make a wish every time you eat a plain green M&M. So for those who owe me something for tarot reading, just pay me in packets of M&Ms (plain, of course) so that I can fill up my Tupperware. ^_^