JULY 17, 2004 (SATURDAY)
Employment, Future Plans, and Tentacles (Oh, and The Last Cup of Mashed Potatoes!)
Went in for an interview with a new multimedia company that’s looking for writers. Initially, I had my apprehensions because I wasn’t sure they were interested in students – even though I was graduating already. But when you hear the words, “We’ll call you in next week for another interview, and to make you an offer already,” that sort of clinches it, right? And since they’re looking at this as a long-term employement thing…I think my plans for moving out of the house within a year will be in effect.
And it looks as though my sidelines are still functioning, and with a couple more on the way. And school and the thesis is as hectic as it was before, and then there’s GRAIL and I’m pretty much excited with the way things are picking up again. Trust me, I’d rather be overworked and stressed out than hanging around the house without anything to do but flip channels. ^_^
Because I do have specific plans already. I want to work for a year or two – as in steady employment and not just freelancing, although I do plan to continue on doing that – and then perhaps apply for a scholarship abroad to take my post-graduate degree in Creative Writing. Surfing on the ‘Net, it seems as though the University of Melbourne has a pretty good program for CW, and I might just give that a shot. Hoping for a scholarship, of course, but then we’ll see.
Digression – Cute Tambayan Anecdote #1:
(discussing the Ringu trilogy with Abbi, Earl, Zena, and Roja)
Abbi: I want to name my child Sadako, so I can call her Sada-chan…
Earl: Abbi, we’ve talked about this before.
Abbi: You’re just jealous.
Earl: Yeah, that you’ll be cheating on me with a…what’s that again?
Zena: A water demon. The doctor wasn’t her real father, right?
Me: Aw, c’mon. What does a water demon have that Earl doesn’t?
Digression – Cute Tambayan Anecdote #2:
(players – Dell, Moki, an applicant, and other assorted tambayan personalities)
Me: Hoy, bakla. (Hey, gay man)
[both Dell and Moki turns to look at me. At this point, we have finally confirmed that Moki is really gay.]
Me: Erm…I meant Dell.
Ruzela: Hey, you call me bakla too, you know.
Me: No, I call you babaeng bakla (fag hag). Dell is bakla. You are a babaeng bakla. Moki is…well, a Moki.
Had dinner tonight at Mawsi’s house – had take-out KFC as Earl’s last Friday dinner with the CC members in attendance. Told the chicken story again, much to Zena’s chagrin, and had a number of discussions regarding Meia-chan (who was absent) and a certain dark man…^_^ Also watched Hale Nochi Guu, which is an adorable, brainless anime that Zena and I will be dancing to for a couple of weeks. (Maw, also want copy of Strawberry on Shortcake, if you can part with it!) Roja-chan, apparently, enjoyed much of the mashed potatoes throughout most of the show, and of course everyone was avoiding the big big dog that is Max.
Today seems to be a pretty busy day, too – I’m meeting Meia and Dell and Hiyas and my poet friends ‘cos we’re going to Mayric’s (hurrah for employed friends!) to celebrate its first year anniversary. And I shall be busy busy busy for the next few weeks and I am excited to start working and getting on with my life because honestly, my eyes hurt right now from too much crying and I NEED TO MOVE ON.
I am thankful that you told me the truth, no matter how much it hurt. And I am thankful that you did not shut me out from your life, even though I know right now that we are back to square one and you and I will now exist as separate entities. I am thankful that I learned how to love and that I learned how painful it was to lose someone you loved so deeply that he was the center of your world. But I existed before you, and now I will still exist without you. And I’m sorry that you couldn’t return the love I was giving you, that I wasn’t perfect enough for you. I would have wanted to be the one you’d stay with for the rest of your life. But perhaps the universe has something better in store for me, and so I must move on. And whoever will get to keep you is a lucky person, and I will just have to put on a brave face and live with that fact.
I am thankful for the good times and the bad, and now I have to start erasing memories of you. We are friends, yes, and you said that you are worth it as a friend and so I will stay and see this through. I feel empty now, and quiet. After tonight, I will stop crying over you, because you said so yourself: you are not coming back to me. The last innocent part of me has just died, and I have mourned her truly. And I loved you. I still love you, after a fashion, but a part of me also has to stop caring for you and about you. A part of me is still bound to you, as a friend and perhaps we will carry this friendship to our graves.
I am thankful that I do not regret anything that I’ve done with you and for you. I have loved you truly, and sincerely, and I do not think I can replicate that love with anyone else. If anybody else comes along, perhaps I will be more cautious and more careful, and keep a part of my spirit for myself. You will be the only man that I ever truly loved with all my heart and soul. And if I can be proud of one single thing in this brief life of mine, it’s that by loving you, I have taught you how to love. You came out of this a better man than I ever could have imagined, and how lucky that person will be who will get to keep you forever because that person will be getting someone who’s not broken anymore. Scarred, yes, but not broken. I came out of this broken, but that’s the price you pay for loving truly.
And now I have to pick up the pieces of my shattered life again, and I know that I can do this and I know that I will survive you and become a wiser person for it. And perhaps someday, someone will be able to love me the same way I loved you. But this will take time. And I know the distance you’re now putting between us, you’re doing it for me and I appreciate it immensely, and I know that you will come back to me as a friend, but nothing more. And I will not expect. And I will not hope. And it will be a long time before I start living again. But I will exist, and for the moment, that is enough.
You are the only man I will ever truly love. And now my heart is broken because of it.