Tuesday, September 21, 2004

SEPTEMBER 21, 2004 (TUESDAY)

I've unearthed this song from those old high school mix tapes that I used to do. This one was from 1999. I've always loved the rhythm on this one, and I used to have a secret crush on Darren Hayes - before he started becoming a solo artist. It's from their second (and last) album as a band. I can't remember the name.

My favorite lines are in purple.

Lover After Me
Savage Garden

Here I go again I promised myself
I wouldn’t think of you today
It’s been seven months and counting
You’ve moved on
I still feel exactly the same

It’s just that everywhere I go
All the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can’t move on

Ever since you’ve been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There’s no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world
That didn’t want it anyway

So this is my new freedom
It’s funny, I don’t remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I’m always twenty minutes late

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn’t be holding on
But I’m still holding on for you

Here I go again I promised myself
I wouldn’t think of you today
But I’m standing at your doorway
I’m calling out your name because I can’t move on

Maturity - Or Not

This adjective has been used to define me again, and again, and again. Until recently, for me it meant sacrificing your emotions for other people - becoming a clear and hollow jar for other people to fill in. It meant keeping my cool, being rationale and sane and looking at all possibilities and considering with as much objectivity as possible the best choice with regards to the situation. It meant organization, efficiency, and consideration of the best possible alternatives. It meant having a Plan A, and then a Plan B, and then a possible Plan C should the need arise. It meant covering all the bases and leaving nothing to chance.

And I keep on forgetting how easily chance and circumstance can slip through that last forgotten crack in your armor, to hit you right where you're vulnerable, to make you feel as though the world just crashed all around you.

Right now, I am swamped (as usual) with activities converging all around me - my thesis, and academics; the extracurricular academic duties that I am performing with as much professionalism as I can muster - the yearbook and GRAIL; my writing; my freelance activities, as I have two works due this week; friends and a booming social life, apparently. And yet, like I said in my previous entries, I just wanted someone to catch me when I fall, someone to come home to. The last anchor I had is now gone because these things refuse to be kept, and I am cast adrift in an endless ocean, and no matter how cliche this may sound, I do not know where I am going.

A friend says that these things happen to people who least deserve it.

Ah yes. Savor the unfairness of it all.

Is this what I want, in the end?

Conclusion

I've crashed and burned. Now let's get on with the program.

We are all much stronger than we think.

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