Wednesday, September 29, 2004

SEPTEMBER 29, 2004 (WEDNESDAY)

Where Did My Script Go?

I feel like I’m in a television show, something like The Truman Show, but without the clapboard houses and flower-decked lawns. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just part of this cosmic sitcom, where I’m part of the Monday night line-up, where the ratings fluctuate depending on the episode. Except that someone forgot to hand me a copy of the script, and so now everything I do or say is impromptu.

As of the moment, I feel like Grace Adler from the show Will & Grace, and as Oja said earlier, that’s not quite a good thing. I keep on wondering if she ever had any romantic feelings for Will, and I always want to ask her how she dealt with them, if ever. Sometimes I wish I was mature enough to not be affected by things and situations and people that really shouldn’t affect me anymore, but somehow they still do. Sometimes I wish that he could confide in me the same way Will does to Grace, but I know it will take a long time before the defenses can hold and I won’t have that momentary look of pain that I know I always have whenever conversation approaches forbidden territory. I wish he won’t protect me as often as he does, or be afraid of me because I don’t bite – not anymore. I wish I could retreat to somewhere safe and not feel guilty about it. And sometimes I wish I don’t feel quite as lost as I usually do. I wish that a cup of coffee will fix everything up for me. I wish I were young and old and everything in between all at the same time.

Most people are telling me that they envy me because I have “direction” already, as if there’s already the yellow brick road stretching out before me, curving and sloping gently towards the sunset. That I know what I’m doing with my life, that I have goals and dreams and aspirations and that I know my capabilities and strengths and weaknesses. And some days I just want to tell them that I am looking for a way out, that I am looking for an escape route, and that yet I am also searching for some sort of map, a pattern to follow just so I can reassure myself that I am neither the first nor the last person to experience all of these things, and that if people have survived this, then so can I.

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