OCTOBER 17, 2004 (SUNDAY)
When Life Gives You Lemons
I can't say I'm not disappointed. I'm trying my best not to be disappointed. But there's still that heavy, lead-weight feeling of the door being closed in your face and there isn't a window in sight. And I'm really trying to not be mad, and to deal with this on my own. They don't need to be involved because it's just going to end up with me saying some things that I might regret, and that they don't deserve.
But I'm still disappointed. Because I wanted to watch. Because I wanted to be with friends. Because I wanted to have fun today. I know that these are merely peripheral concerns and that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. But I'm not going to lie and say that everything's okay because it's not. At least not right now.
I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning. Instinct was telling me not to put on my usual make-up, that I should just go au naturelle. I should've listened to my instincts. As I was washing my face earlier, after I received the text message, washing it free of the powder and gloss, all I could think of was, "How symbolic this is." And now here I am, sitting at the computer, still waiting, hoping, as if they could come and finally fetch me. But I know that it's not going to happen. (Was I going to do anything bad? I'm no thief. All I wanted was to watch, help out, and have fun. Thank you door-slamming-in-my-face.)
Ah well. C'est la vie.