Friday, October 08, 2004


Weak in the Knees

She cried today, twice, which is something she doesn’t do quite often.

She wasn’t sure what happened, since she wasn’t quite prone to bouts of crying – at least not for a long time now. Suddenly, her tears decided to push their way out of her tear ducts and drip down in fat drops on the surface of her jeans, creating dark blue circles on the fabric. Her hands had been shaking the whole day. At first she thought it was hunger, but even after lunch she felt light-headed and dizzy, like riding a carousel that was spinning too fast. She wasn’t quite sure who she was anymore. She felt raw, vulnerable, a new wound that was taking too long to heal.

She must’ve looked pathetic to the guard at the lobby, sitting on the steps, dabbing her damp eyes with a strip of cloth. Crying over nothing, that stupid girl. This isn’t the way things are supposed to happen, she thought, but she was just too damn tired to stop weeping. If she had it her way, she would move to another dimension, where she lived in a small apartment overlooking the ocean, where the walls smelled of the sea and she had a large cast-iron bed with pristine white sheets. She would always face the sunset.

How do you survive? she wanted to ask CZ, who caught her the first time around. She could imagine him saying (he had long replaced the amorphous voice inside her head) that we just do, that we take it day by day. She hated appearing weak in front of him, a shallow girl with shallow tears. She was always the strong one in friendships. She was still not quite used to the idea of someone who could catch her when she started unraveling, catching the pieces of her, instead of the other way around. For someone who was so used to playing the role of the savior, she secretly savored these moments of tenderness, when someone could lean forward and wipe away her tears. She is always thankful for such instances, when the world allows her time to breathe.

I Am Angry Girl Music

Stupid tricycle driver ran over my leg while I was getting inside the sidecar. Stupid tricycle driver also didn’t have enough change, and so I had to tip him an extra buck. Said in a loud voice as I was going inside the compound that he was a git and a moron and that he shouldn’t be driving around the village. Leg is now throbbing rather painfully.

Day began with only four hours of sleep and a meeting with a new boss. Without breakfast. Nibbled on a chocolate crinkle. Meeting ended past 11 AM, then had to brave East Avenue traffic to do my mother’s errands. Got back to UP at after 12, and had to crash at home with Jay Leno yapping in the background as I curled up in a ball on the bed and attempted to control my world, which was already spinning out of orbit. Wanted to throw up. No, wanted to faint and die.

Went to school to meet with thesis adviser, who is now making me do my third revision for the goddamn critical essay. Want to throttle self now. Wanted to curl up in hole and die; instead tried to catch some quiet time alone at Oz with a cup of coffee and quesadillas – ended up looking for a hug. Found one, courtesy of CZ, who also wiped my tears away with his fingers and gave me loads of touch therapy. Only thing that went rather well was GRAIL meeting, since Tatay pulled some strings and got us a decent room at the AS – yes to airconditioning and swivel chairs! Managed to get some work done for the org, and found myself sitting on the steps of the AS after everyone had left…

At any rate, it looks as though I still have two stories to revise tonight, a paper to do for Monday, and thesis revisions. My plate is overflowing. I wish time would stand still.

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