Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A Retrospective

I remember writing that 2004 was one of the worst years of my life, that everything awful that could conceivably happen to me during that time pretty much happened. I still remember 2004 with distaste, much like a lingering bitter flavor on my tongue.

2005 started out rather well - my 21st birthday is still one of my happier memories. February and March passed by in a blur of self-realizations and creative outbursts that ultimately resulted in my thesis and subsequent graduation. April opened up a lot of opportunities for me, both creative and career-wise, as well as a farewell to a way of life that I had become accustomed to for four years. May found me revisiting old haunts and experiencing the finality of heartbreak. That was a particularly difficult month, if I recall correctly.

June was a period of transition and new beginnings, and new habits that continued all the way to July - the challenges of writing and experiencing new things, as well as a continuing discovery of the self. August and September found me unsatisfied with my job and my love life, and looking for ways to remedy the situation. September was particularly distasteful, since that was when the entire marathon online dating thing happened - true, it taught me a lot, but it also damaged me in a number of ways that I'm still trying to recover from. October was a new lease on everything important to me - a new job (yay!), satisfaction with myself, a newfound stability. Plans for the future were also made during this time.

And as if the universe wanted to right itself, November suddenly became an important month. An old friend comes around and I realize that maybe he's Mr. Right, and maybe falling in love isn't as difficult as I imagined it to be - as long as it's the right person. New experiences and learnings also present themselves during this month, and I find myself becoming stronger and more capable as a person. Which brings us to December, which isn't as dark and gloomy as the last couple of years, and is suddenly brightened by the presence of people I love and are important to me.

So what have I learned this year? That trust is valuable: trust in one's self, trust in other people. That sometimes friends can transform into enemies, and that there are certain things and events that are unforgivable. That anger is not forever. That it is always better to move on. That the universe has its own plans, and that maybe we ought to trust that grand design every so often. That meaning depends on the individual, and that there will always be good people who will take care of you when the chips are down. That benevolence is not as rare as we thought it was, and that whatever starts at the bottom can end up at the top.

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