Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Day One

Reflection: This is perhaps one of the biggest fights we've ever had. I know that I started it, but I also know that if I hadn't said/done something about it, this would have gone on for months and I would have become a silent martyr again, always putting everything on the line and on hold for a boy who doesn't even recognize the effort. I've been there, and we've all seen how that particular shit has hit that particular fan big time. I don't want to be the long-suffering girlfriend. I can't.

And maybe it just reaches a point where you feel that you are scrabbling up the side of a cliff and not going anywhere, and your grip is getting weaker and weaker, and you're afraid of the fall. And you know you can't let go but somehow letting go is easier and there's just that breaking point where your arms feel like rubber that's been stretched too far, and I'm there already and I don't want to let go just yet because maybe, maybe someone will save me.

And then I learn that maybe I have the strength enough to pull myself up.

When I got into this relationship, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I also knew that there were going to be a lot of roadblocks ahead, and that everything would have to take a double amount of effort that it usually did for most other couples because of the distance and because while we knew each other as friends, we weren't quite aware of each other in another context. And for awhile it was working swimmingly: we were making it work because there was an equal amount of effort distrubuted between us. As Den said in her blog, "Love is effortfull." And it's true. Because the payoff is always more than what we hope for.

But now, it seems that he's fading. He doesn't realize that there's something wrong, that he is getting complacent, just because now he's assured that I'm staying. And I never wanted to be the girl who played games, who manipulated things to make her man give in to what she wants, but sometimes it can just be so frustrating to always acquiesce to his demands, to have to put on a happy face while doing it, and be expected to be a doormat when it comes to his desires AND not demand anything while I'm at it. Because God forbid, I actually ask him to do something and become "demanding." Which is exactly what he acccused me earlier. "Stop making me call you, stop calling me," he says. "Nasasakal ako."

We will not see each other for three weeks. Because he is too busy for me.

And I'm not asking for much. I don't ask him to treat me out to meals, or to dates. We don't even date anymore, at least not properly. I don't ask him to buy me things. In fact, I pay for movies, and most of our meals. As much as possible, I pay for my share of the transportation because I know it's such a hassle for him to bring me home while he's staying in San Juan. I don't even ask him to do anything for me whether in terms of work or my personal life. I've stopped trying to get him to go out with me in a group because I know he feels uncomfortable, always feeling like he's some purebreed dog for show. All I ask is that he calls once in a while to ask how things are. That he makes some kind of effort to show that he still cares, that he still remembers that I'm special. That I don't have to be the one to run after him all the time. I just want him to make some time for me - if he can spend 10 hours playing his stupid video games, can't he even make a ten-minute phone call without me having to ask for it?

And now, I'm demanding.

No matter how many times you try to do things right, they always come out wrong.

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