Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Day Three

Will perhaps not be able to update for awhile, so the next is probably after Easter Sunday.

But I just want to say, first of all, that I'm regularized already here at my current job, and that is something that is causing great waves of joy and happiness, though the holes in my pockets will stay at least until the end of the year. But still, I am thankful for the opportunity to do what I'm doing right now, and I think I'm on the right track. This isn't a vocation, not yet, because I still believe that this isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life. But right now, I couldn't ask for a better job.

Of course, what saddens me greatly (and it amazes me how this affects me) is the fact that there is still no word from him. I have a feeling Thursday and Friday will be difficult, but I intend to throw myself into writing so that I can at least be distracted and produce something for critiquing. My boss has kindly offered guidance in that particular department, and I want to at least have some time for revisions, which, given the mess I am currently embroiled in fictionally, I will need some time with.

And the thing is, the little successes of the past few days doesn't seem to mean anything without him there. But I also do not want to break this stride right now - I don't want to be weak anymore. I need an attitude change - my mother has always been telling me that the only thing you can control in this world is how you react to situations, particularly situations not to your own liking. And as my bosses (I answer to two people) emphasized earlier during my evaluation, in any learning experience, any kind of growth, there is still a certain kind of pain, of unpleasantness, that will mark the moment. After all, transcendence is always the key to these things.

So there. For the next four days, I will attempt to transcend this. I love him dearly, and I am most definitely in love with him. But I also do not want to play games, and whatever happens, I still want to be here with him. But he also has to want this, and to want to put effort into it that will make a relationship work. And I hope that he will learn that, he will reach that conclusion, soon. Because I also do not want to wait forever for a boy who refuses to grow up.

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