Monday, May 29, 2006

Teacher Gabby

Somehow, I marvel at how the universe works, and how the things you've always wanted suddenly arrive at the very moment you DON'T want them to arrive. Case in point: so here I am, waiting for my NUS results (still no word either through mail or the website) and trying to keep afloat with the myriad things I have to do at work, not to mention a feeble attempt to write something new. And then one of my old high school teachers, Sir Fermin, calls me out of the blue Sunday afternoon and offers me a position to teach at my alumni school, teaching English literature and writing. And he tells me, no, demands that I make a decision in one hour, and the first thing that went through my head was, "Shit, I can't quit now. Dean will kill me."

And I knew that I've always wanted to teach, and in particular, to teach in either Miriam High School or in UP. As in, I was a college freshman and I was already planning my syllabus in English lit, and the stuff that I wanted to do, and pieces I wanted to discuss, and now, here was the opportunity in front of me.

And suddenly, I realized that I didn't want to take it now. I wasn't ready. I still had too many things that I was waiting for, and I am unable to commit to something as intense as teaching, particularly something that, if I did accept, I may have to leave in two months. I didn't want it to be that way - if I do end up teaching, I want to be a reliable teacher, someone that the students will recognize, not another substitute.

And I knew that it wasn't my time yet. There were still too many things to learn.

Still, it hurt to tell him that I couldn't accept the position, no matter how much my instinct was singing to take it. It just didn't work that way. I didn't want teaching to be an escape route, that just because I was exhausted with my current job, it doesn't mean that teaching high school is a walk in the park. And no matter how many time I complain about so many things, and have a tendency to lose my brain midway through the workday, I happen to enjoy my job despite its many difficulties and pressure. And I know that not a lot of people can say that.

And, I don't know. If I'm meant to take that position, then perhaps the universe will give me a second chance with it, when I'm really, really ready. Right now, I'm more of a student than a teacher, and I want to learn as much as I can before imparting that kind of knowledge to others.

Still. Sigh.

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