Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Walkie, Not Talkie

Tired. Or as Buffy (of the vampire slayer fame) would say, "Whelmed."

There is some kind of insistent pounding in my head that may have something to do with dancing elephants from an alternate dimension suddenly finding a better dance floor in that place where I usually do most of my mental exercises. Or perhaps I am just some sort of futuristic cerebral experimentation for other people, kind of like a Truman's Show-esque puppet. There are papers and presentations to think about, theorists to re-read (I forgot who Althusser was! How idiotic is that!) and re-examine, to get, as Troy Bolton put it so succintly, my head in the game.

And yes, the writing is suffering.

Not so much that I don't have ideas - in fact, they're slowly trickling back from that crack in the imagination dam where they used to come from - but rather, there is just no room to sit down and write. The pile of books I have to read is growing and growing, and I don't know WHEN I can have time to read and actually digest them all before the time is up. I feel like I'm in this giant sand timer, and the grains just keep on dripping inexorably from that teeny tiny gap in the middle, and soon I'll end up choking or running out of oxygen, whichever comes first.

And then there's the loneliness. It's kinda starting to hit hard, particularly when I'm wandering around in school because I really don't know where to fit myself in - the graduate students aren't exactly involved in a lot of student activities, and there's a sense that we have this ivory tower kind of mentality, and so I feel vaguely distant from what's going out at school. It's very tempting to just stay in the library and work there, but somehow, I don't want to go back and say, "Well yeah, the library's kinda cool." O_o But at the same time, I really find myself having a hard time fitting in: I can't really relate with most of the Pinoys I meet here because they're at work, and so move around a different sphere of interest. I'm not really familiar with the local writing/literary scene, so I'm also at a loss when it comes to that. Students who I meet are either significantly more advanced than I am, and can slip into jargon quite easily while I'm still struggling with, "Fire bad, tree pretty" kind of analogy (thank Buffy for that again) - well, not as simplistic as that, but certainly coming from a more practical, less-flowery kind of explanation. Because honestly, hardcore critical theory makes me fall asleep.

But there. I miss people. Or more precisely, talking to people. About things that don't necessarily have anything to do with theory or class stuff or whatever. Just an honest, funky, deep, interesting conversation. I need that. Otherwise, all this silence is going to drive me insane. O_o

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