Thursday, May 24, 2007

And The Cards Require Temperance

I'm vacillating between extreme emo-ness and angst and a giddy, happy feeling. The former emotion is usually brought on by loneliness, as if I'm this small minnow in a vast and crowded pond where all the other fishes are bigger and brighter than me. The latter feeling is usually brought on by being with friends - usually in ones and twos, since I don't think I can quite handle big crowds yet - where I find a veritable mine of stories that I can absorb and listen to, and I enjoy doing that. Listening clears my mind of all these unnecessary emotions and thoughts, and forces me to focus, which is a good thing.

I have so many ideas for stories and poems right now, snippets of images and lines, hastily scribbled on a digital piece of paper (the mobile phone screen) just so I'd remember. But really, things are too hazy and indistinct right now. I know that I have a number of ideas I want to execute and make coherent, but right now, they're all just indistinct ribbons of whatever in my mind, and I'm not quite sure how to process them. There are certain themes I want to play with, certain voices. As Nikko Vitug commented when I saw him during the Happy Mondays Poetry Night, I really changed from the Dumaguete days, in style, voice, and content. While I suppose he's quite right, I'm also not sure if I changed for the better or for the worse. O_o

Anyway, I'm slowly whittling down my list of people to see - despite the quick changes in schedule, I'm becoming a virtuoso in rearranging my life to suit the purposes of others. I feel malleable but contented, because I don't really mind moving this way and that. All plans are on hold until August, which means that everything is basically descending into entropy, or as a fellow card reader told me, "beautiful chaos." Not that I mind, really, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I have no anchor, nothing really to keep me here or there. On the one hand, I like the feeling that I don't really have to pretend to be one thing or the other, but at the same time, I also feel like there's only so much one can do before crashing against the rocks and blowing up into a million tiny bits.

Sigh. I never have a middle ground. I'm either one thing or the other, here and there but never really managing to find a balance. My parents have been telling about this since the beginning of time. I never seem to listen. O_o

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