Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Under this Ordinary Moonlight

As we were driving out of SM Megamall after a dinner with Hiyas and Meia, C and I noticed that the moon hanging above us seemed unusual. It wasn't a full circle yet: it seemed like someone had shaved the upper part and we were left with a nibbled piece of the moon. It was pale and yellow and seemingly pregnant - each crater and marking was clearly outlined in the butter yellow glow. As C noted, "It looks like spoiled bread." For some strange reason, it made me laugh.

It feels weird that I'm writing this down, knowing full well that today, Thursday, is my last full day here in Manila. I'm not sure why I'm making such a big deal out of this leave-taking. After all, four months should be a piece of cake, right? And I know that it's just a short span of time and that it will move quicker than oil sizzling across a skillet. But that's for the future - right now, all I know is that I still have to pack my clothes, and this is what I'm avoiding, because I know that once I open my big red suitcase and start winnowing through the wardrobe that's helter-skelter stacked inside my closet, I will be acknowledging the fact that I am leaving tomorrow, and I do not know if I want to do that just yet.

Manila seemed quieter, gentler, in the last few days. Tonight, coming from Route 196 along Katipunan Avenue, where Anabel and her band Analog performed, we drove down the almost-deserted avenue with the windows down, and the wind in my hair. Things were quiet in the car, but it was a comfortable silence. He let me say goodbye to another part of the city - that's what we've been doing the past few days anyway. He's been driving me around the city, and I've been quietly saying goodbye to familiar spaces, to old and new haunts, to the things I've borrowed over the vacation that I shall have to return to their proper places just before I leave.

(Digression: There is something about this boy that makes me smile. I know that between us, things will probably proceed no further than it already is, but the fact that he is here, and that he does not see himself leaving, at least in the near future, is something that's already of great comfort to me. Once things settle down, and settle down smoothly, perhaps this will be one of those friendships that can withstand time and multiple suicide attempts. ^_^ Seriously, though - I know he's not much to look at, but he's funny and he makes me laugh and he can handle me [well, most of the time] and that just brings him above most of the other boys I've known in recent times. And I just want to appreciate this moment, the fact that he's there without asking anything from me, and giving so much in return, and that he makes me, at least for the moment, a bit happier than usual.

I think I might like him.)

Anyway. I know, I know - I will be back sooner than we all think. But things also change, and this is the nature of things, and I know that when I get back, things will be the same...but things will also be different. And I need to be prepared for the possibility that some of these changes will not be things I want to be changed.

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