Sunday, August 26, 2007

Week Three

Yesterday was a rather good day, spent with friends and going around the city. (Our adventures can be seen here, you know.) And today, it just feels good to make a list of things I need to do and slowly cross off things one by one - I'm almost done with the readings for today, and after I figure out where lunch is, I can start on the Tuesday presentation, and then maybe - I'm crossing my fingers - start reading up for Thursday's class. I also have to work for Friday's meeting with Dr. Holden, and somehow, I really need to squeeze in bibliography work and writing - I need a short story before September 15, and oh golly, I still owe a case study for a leftover summer job. Not to mention the fact that there are two book projects on the horizon: one manuscript up for editing sometime mid-October, and another to write and style by December. ^_^

Older sister Ginny and I were talking some time ago and she mentioned that there seems to be an either/or thing when it comes to one's love life and career. It seems that, at least if you look at the patterns, you can have a really crap-ass career but your boyfriend/girlfriend seems to be there for you forever, or you can have this fantastic career but your love life is shot to hell. And then we end up falling into stereotypes: the bumming boyfriend, the one-track career woman, the balance of time and money and wondering just when enough is enough and how to be please everyone and ourselves at the same time, or finding the time when we want to just sit down, throw our hands up in the air, and say, "Fuck this shit, I want out."

But at the same time, I find myself surrounded by couple friends who are married and I try and compare them with my parents' (non-) marriage and I wonder where things have gone - how can my friends make their lives work, both in their professional and personal lives, and you see the dynamics of how things move and fall into place, how compromises move and negotiations are made, and I love watching these things, because you learn bits and pieces of how men and women operate, and there's a part of me that wants these things as well - the tandem, the easy camaraderie, the silence that is deeper and more profound than any poetry that I've ever read.

If not for anything else, I'm also learning how to negotiate with myself, and what I want in life, and what I want in a partner. (I know, I know - people will say I'm too young for these thoughts, but if you think about it, the company I usually keep aren't with people in my age group, so I am forced to think beyond the usual boundaries of the early 20s age group.) I mean, when I first started thinking about boys, I only had three items on my "list": he has to be a saxophone player (I was fascinated with the saxophone when I was in high school); he had to be very good with massages; and he had to be cute.

(Give me a break. I was sixteen.)

Anyway, after a couple of botched attempts at relationships and almost/maybe/non-relationships and various boy friends (of the straight and gay garden varieties) to talk to, weep on their shoulders, and be given large doses of sugar with, I'm finally figuring out the "standards" that I might have - flexible, of course, but I think I'm getting an idea, not really of the kind of guy I want to be with, but rather the kind of relationship I'd like to be in. There's a big difference, I've noticed, because we can meet the perfect guy/girl that we think is for us, but if there's something missing, that indefineable something that reminds us why we want to be with the person, then there's just no going around perfection. I mean, if you think about it, God is perfect, but not everyone likes Him. (Poor Guy. He tries His best, you know.)

So there. I don't know. I am glad that at least I know where I'm going and that I'm being given opportunities to get there - not a lot of people have chances like these, and not at this point in their lives, especially. And I know that a lot of people aren't as lucky with family and friends as I am - I suppose what my mom said is right, her mantra with regards to unconditional love. So it's nice to have a semblance of a moral compass, and people to steer you in the right direction in case you falter and trip on your own two feet. ^_^

But still, there's still that elusive quality, I suppose, of being with someone. I mean, I don't want to be one of those academia women whose hair is twisted into severe buns and wears twills and tweeds (gah!) - I'm too cute and round, haha. I don't want to live by myself with loads of cats - I'm asthmatic and I'll probably die of feline asphyxiation if that happens. But I would like to be with someone who will not demand an either/or as well - because I know, being the romantic that I am, that I will give up my craft and be miserable for the rest of my life just so I could please that one shining star in my life. I've done that time and again. I don't want to have to repeat it the third time around. Ah well. The waiting is what bothers me. Maybe, maybe - this is a lesson in patience.

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