It felt really good.
And there's a part of me that knows this will not last, this little equilibrium, this space I've carved out for myself where I get to place my consciousness inside a bubble of ignorance and control what I know and do not know. But at least for now, for the present, I made myself safe. And I am all right.
Anyway, so yesterday evening, a bunch of us trooped downtown (again) - this time, to celebrate the birthday of Nino, a fellow grad school student and Pinoy who used to teach at the Ateneo. We (meaning the usual gang of myself, Justine, Lorie and Nathan, Nino, Gene, Marissa, Angie, and Ireyah. Later on, Fred, Gene's flatmate, joined us as well) ended up along Arab Street, at a lovely little place called Blu Jaz, where there was candlelight and soft pillows on a raised platform covered in nubby carpeting, low lights, and a live jazz band.
While I never really thought of myself as a bar person, given the fact that I don't really drink and I'm not a very good dancer, it was still such an entertaining thing to be surrounded by friends - drunk or otherwise - laughing and cracking jokes about the Americans pretending to dance in front of the DJ's station, and then stumbling out of the establishment just past midnight. While walking along Bugis, we ended up deciding - on a lark - to just hit the karaoke bar at Clementi, which was thankfully open until 3 AM. Which means we were the ones who essentially closed the place down.
I think it's beginning to be more and more of a necessity, these Friday night things. Because seriously, you feel like you're in a pressure cooker more often than not. And it doesn't get any easier because you can't walk away from this. You can't just throw your hands in and say, "I QUIT!" at the top of your lungs. And this isn't something you can just ignore until it goes away, or something you can push aside for awhile and just come back to it when you're good and ready. No. It's there, constantly, every single day. And so, every hour that you get a chance to breathe is something that you grab and hold on for dear life, because you need it to keep afloat, to maintain a semblance of sanity.
Okay, now I have to go back to work. Sigh.