Saturday, March 15, 2008

Something Greater Than This

There's something quite pleasurable about realizing that I am all alone at the flat right now. The Boyfriend is out for high tea with the NUS Pakistani Society, and the flatmates are all out. I am relishing the fact that, for once, I have so much space.

Of course, I think it might also have been the fact that I have been so used to having my own space that now that I'm sharing this space with someone else, even though I love him very much and with all my heart, I still relish the fact that I can stay at home by myself once in a while to put my life in order. ^_^ There's laundry to be done and a room to straighten (his books are all over the place, I swear!) and files to organize. I have dinner to cook later and I'm still trying to imagine what to do with the chicken.

And in between all of these things, I want to answer the question, "What do I want to do with my life?" I'm back in that mode of thinking again, and I want to figure it out as soon as I can. I know I want to write, but the drive isn't there anymore. Maybe it's because I'm writing in a vacuum, far away from community that helped me develop in the first place. Maybe I'm still recovering from the intensity of my masters program. Maybe, subconsciously, I'm still adjusting to staying here in Singapore out of my own choice. Maybe maybe maybe...

These days, I feel like I'm in a cloud. Everything passes through me, transient, almost invisible, a mist of bodies and voices that drift in and out. I am most myself when I walk from the bus stop to the flat, my earphones jammed in my ears, my mouth mimicking the song in my head. Everyone else can see a face, a phase, something that should be there but isn't there. Don't get me wrong; I'm not unhappy. I am starting to like my work (or at least not dislike it) and my officemates are people I get along with very well these days. I've just pulled off a record of 3 concerts in one week (Incubus, Imago, and UpDharmaDown) as well as two pitches - one an entire campaign and another, a documentary show. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own shoes. But...I don't know. I know I want to do something bigger, grander, greater.

Sometimes I feel like I'm one of those characters in a comic book, except that I'm in my secret identity and I have yet to figure out what my superhero identity is. I know it's there, somewhere, lurking underneath, but I still have to find the mysterious code, the secret password to unravel the powers.

In the meantime, I have to finish folding the laundry. ^_^

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