Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Thoughts on someone else's thoughts about dating a carless guy.

This is a letter to guys without cars. (And even guys with cars).

Dear guys,

Hello. I am a girl. And I am a girl who likes guys. So let's get that out of the way first. I like dudes. I am certain there are other girls out there who like dudes as well. (Granted, there are also girls out there who like other girls, dudes who like other dudes, and people who aren't attracted to anyone at all. All of the above are cool, and might also want to say something about this particular topic.) Furthermore, I am a girl who, like many other girls, have a list of things that I like about the opposite sex, and things I consider to be important when looking for a romantic partner.

For instance, I like guys who are straight. (This was hammered home when my first boyfriend ended up deciding that he liked dudes better than girls.) I also like guys who are intelligent -- not MENSA-type intelligent, but perhaps someone who knows the difference in using "your" and "you're" in a sentence, doesn't mix up his subject-verb agreement, and can reasonably converse and have opinions about different topics and subjects under the sun. I also like guys who can communicate well - I work with words, and it would be great if a potential partner was also articulate and knew his way around English and Filipino as well. 

Bonus points if you're even more talented with your tongue.

I like guys who are passionate about something. I'm a self-confessed geek and nerd, so if we like similar things, that's awesome. If we like different things, then perhaps you can show me yours and I'll show you mine, and then we can share? I like someone who cares about the world he lives in, someone who's interested in exploring the world and everything it offers. I like someone who's open-minded, but also ready to stand his ground on important things. I like someone who can challenge my way of thinking, who can offer more than two cents in a conversation, who is willing to change for the better. I like someone who's reliable, whether it's getting food for dinner or a shoulder to cry on. I like a guy who likes his food, who knows the difference between a Windsor knot and a square knot, who knows his way around a computer. I like a guy who reads, who understands the value of stories, the importance and power of the written word.

But with all the things I consider, I have never, ever considered not dating a guy simply because he doesn't have a car.

Sure, it's great if you have a car. I'm not going to say no to a mobile make-out place. And impromptu road trips are always fun. But I've lived for over twenty-odd years without having a car, and none of the boys I've ever dated owned a car. And guess what? Whether or not they had a car never had an impact in the way our relationship progressed and ended.

You see, guys, if you think that having a car is going to get you the girl, then you're not looking at the bigger picture here. We're not fish, always attracted to the biggest hook, the juiciest worm. People are more complex than that. And while having your own set of wheels is a bonus, it's not supposed to be a must. 

Personally, I would prefer someone who's car-less rather than careless.

It's very easy to box people into different categories, especially when it comes to dating. And it's very easy to equate one material thing with the other, which implies that women are property to be collected, like Pokemon cards. The girl's not hot? Then never mind. The dude doesn't have a car? Then never mind. But we always, always forget that people have layers - we are not just the sum of our physical and material parts. And it's unfair and you're doing yourself a disservice by assuming that the girl always wants a guy with a car. After all, just because you have a vehicle does not assure me of your compassion and kindness; it does not assure me that you are not an ax murderer with weapons at the back of your trunk. It just assures me that you are licensed by the LTO to drive a vehicle, and hopefully skillfully enough to not get us killed. That's all.

So guys, if you think that the way to a girl's heart is through an expensive and shiny car, then you're dating the wrong girls. Not everybody needs or wants to be chauffeured around like a princess. Whether you own a car or not is not what is important. What's important is how you get from Point A to Point B - and whether or not you're taking us along for the ride. 

Love always,


  1. Very well put. I once dated a guy who thought I'd be interested in him because of his car. He kept making underhanded comments about his "nice, grown-up car" in front of my compact Suzuki hatchback, which I didn't really care about, although I'm pretty sure if the car had feelings, they would have been hurt.
    The thing is, whatever he was talking about just flew over my head that time because my car wasn't my own--it factored heavily into my mobility, but not my material identity.

    On one hand, you can't fault someone for being proud of earning enough to own something he likes and is proud of; but if we don't think enough about how our possessions are capable of extending our identities, we won't understand exactly where our possessions end and our actual identities begin.

  2. Agreed, especially your point about a guy having a car does not automatically mean that he's a good guy. Although it would be nice to not be the one to drive him around all the time though. A day trip to Tagaytay has killed my legs LOL. :P

  3. my longtime boyfriend doesn't have a car. at some point, when longtime boyfriend and I were in a shaky cold stage, I went out with two guys, though not at the same time, one after the other, who have cars and--

    fling no. 1 almost got me and a friend in an accident. he wasn't drunk, but too sleepy to drive us home. my friend and I were too hesitant to spend the night at his place coz of all the drunk people from the house party. we were just too sleepy to take a cab/to stupid to agree that he drive us home. he was driving a terrano.

    fling no. 2 drives an innova. he was the ex-future boyfriend. i thought he was the perfect next boyfriend, but never happened. it wasn't officially us yet, but in the few times that we went out, we already fought a lot of times in the comforts of his car. sure, he has a car where we can do things privately, like fighting. so no.

    i eventually got back with car-less longtime boyfriend, and we take buses, trains, airplanes, cabs, tricycles, jeeps, tuktuks, boats to get around. :)


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